I read this article recently, and it kinda freaked me out a little. As a full-time working mom, I do depend on others to take care of my kids. Yes, we have a maid (or rather, my mom does) who helps look after the boys and do the housework, but it's my mom who mainly watches the kids. Through some kind of excellent timing and God's will, my mom retired right around the time I gave birth to #2 last year, so we were able to pull #1 out of the day-care center he attended and keep him at home with the baby. It's only when my mom goes to her religious classes or mengaji that the kids are left home alone with the maid. In the afternoons and evenings, my sisters are home from school/work, so the boys are always surrounded by at least one member of the family practically at all times.
Whenever I'm at home and during weekends, I try not to depend on the maid too much to look after the boys. Indeed, even my mom "advises" me once in a while to look after my own kids when I'm at home since I work all day. My mom says, "What will happen if something happens to this maid? Like the old one when she had to go back suddenly?" She tells me to create a stronger bond with my kids. Let them depend on ME and not on other people.
Sure, of course I want to! And I do the best I can, from bathing to washing to changing to feeding to putting them to bed. As often as I can, all by myself. I treasure the time spent alone with my kids and my husband. I'm lucky that R is about as hands-on with the boys as I am. He helps bathe #1 (belum berani to do so with #2), feeds them, prepares their bottles, looks after them when I need some mommy time.... When we go out, we take the 1-1 approach: if I'm holding #2 or pushing his stroller, R takes care of #1. And vice versa. Die la if nak take care of both of them alone, right? #1 is at that bouncy, jumpy, run-around disobedient age. I don't have elastic arms and eyes in the back of my head, I know my limits. I can take both boys out on car-trips by myself but so far I haven't brought both of them on outings alone yet. I can handle them separately, but not together at the same time in a public place! That would be mommy suicide.
To me, I guess, you have to set boundaries. You have to know your limits. Sure, there's Supergirl and Wonder Woman but they didn't have kids! Don't be afraid to ask for help but don't take advantage of it either or you'll end up being over-dependent on it. Like when I was planning #1's party recently. I knew there was no way in h*ll I could go it alone since I work and am pretty much useless, so I roped in MIL & SIL. MIL cooked pretty much everything (honest confession.. some hostess I am. Haha.). SIL helped with the decorations. Honestly, the only things that were 100% mine were the party packs and the Kung-Fu Panda Pinata. Which took me like 4 days to make. In the end we all had a good time and no one was overly burdened and we all still like each other. See?
I try not to focus too much on the fact that my kids spend more of their waking hours with other people instead of me. If I did, I'd go crazy, kill my boss and blow up my office. Then I'd be sent to jail where I'd get to spend even less time with my family. Yeah, there are some days when I feel like I can't cope with everything and I feel tired and depressed and hopeless. Everyone has their bad moments. So I take each day as it comes and hug my boys when I can.
In today's topsy-turvy world, you have to get help where you can get it. Tak kisah la... from parents ke, family ke, friends ke, domestic help ke... But don't lose sight of the ultimate goal which is a close-knit, happy, healthy family. Treat everyone as you want to be treated in return. Be kind, be courteous and never diss other people because of the way they handle their lives. SAHM ke... WAHM ke... WOHM ke... we're all mothers and we all deserve each other's respect and support.
Whenever I'm at home and during weekends, I try not to depend on the maid too much to look after the boys. Indeed, even my mom "advises" me once in a while to look after my own kids when I'm at home since I work all day. My mom says, "What will happen if something happens to this maid? Like the old one when she had to go back suddenly?" She tells me to create a stronger bond with my kids. Let them depend on ME and not on other people.
Sure, of course I want to! And I do the best I can, from bathing to washing to changing to feeding to putting them to bed. As often as I can, all by myself. I treasure the time spent alone with my kids and my husband. I'm lucky that R is about as hands-on with the boys as I am. He helps bathe #1 (belum berani to do so with #2), feeds them, prepares their bottles, looks after them when I need some mommy time.... When we go out, we take the 1-1 approach: if I'm holding #2 or pushing his stroller, R takes care of #1. And vice versa. Die la if nak take care of both of them alone, right? #1 is at that bouncy, jumpy, run-around disobedient age. I don't have elastic arms and eyes in the back of my head, I know my limits. I can take both boys out on car-trips by myself but so far I haven't brought both of them on outings alone yet. I can handle them separately, but not together at the same time in a public place! That would be mommy suicide.
To me, I guess, you have to set boundaries. You have to know your limits. Sure, there's Supergirl and Wonder Woman but they didn't have kids! Don't be afraid to ask for help but don't take advantage of it either or you'll end up being over-dependent on it. Like when I was planning #1's party recently. I knew there was no way in h*ll I could go it alone since I work and am pretty much useless, so I roped in MIL & SIL. MIL cooked pretty much everything (honest confession.. some hostess I am. Haha.). SIL helped with the decorations. Honestly, the only things that were 100% mine were the party packs and the Kung-Fu Panda Pinata. Which took me like 4 days to make. In the end we all had a good time and no one was overly burdened and we all still like each other. See?
I try not to focus too much on the fact that my kids spend more of their waking hours with other people instead of me. If I did, I'd go crazy, kill my boss and blow up my office. Then I'd be sent to jail where I'd get to spend even less time with my family. Yeah, there are some days when I feel like I can't cope with everything and I feel tired and depressed and hopeless. Everyone has their bad moments. So I take each day as it comes and hug my boys when I can.
In today's topsy-turvy world, you have to get help where you can get it. Tak kisah la... from parents ke, family ke, friends ke, domestic help ke... But don't lose sight of the ultimate goal which is a close-knit, happy, healthy family. Treat everyone as you want to be treated in return. Be kind, be courteous and never diss other people because of the way they handle their lives. SAHM ke... WAHM ke... WOHM ke... we're all mothers and we all deserve each other's respect and support.
3 comments:
Get help from others.. I couldn't agree more. But takde lar sampai so tergedik-gedik and overly reliable on others. That's just gross. Ha!
You know, I actually have a list of things that I list under "Short-cuts you can take in Motherhood" and getting help is one of them. Sure, am a SAHM but when I need it, I rope in my siblings, parents, SILs to take care of my daughter. Then, I'll take a couple of hours off to recharge, e.g.get my hair done, foot massage (esp now nak dekat beranak ni), lunch/dinner without interruption or a movie with the husband. It makes me happy, so why not?
Hanna.. love this entry. i agree with you. Doesn't me you have maids or family to help you with the kids made you incapable of taking care of your kids. Mommies should supports other mommies and not to condemn them only. Its their kids, they know how to take care of their own kidskan. That is why before pointing fingers to others remember the other 3 fingers are pointing at ...
Like you i still have not bring both of them out together with me alone. Suicide? Yes.. Nak kejar lagi nak tengok nie lagi. Since aidan still not able to talk, and still hyper susah nak bagi instruction to him. I have high respect to those mommies who can do it. But i know my limits. But that does not mean i'm not determine to take care my own kids.
Mommies should not feel bad if they get some sort of help(maid/family/nursery) to take care of their kids.
Panjanglaa pulak comment! huhu
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