C'est moi

I have lost the will to blog.

Reflection

I've been going thru a kind of personal crisis lately. I've started thinking about my life, the things I've done, choices I've made and the direction I'm heading to now. I never thought my life would be this way. It was never what I planned at all.

I see the lives of my friends and family, how perfect or unjust they are, a mixture of experiences and situations and backgrounds that I sometimes envy but also sometimes bersyukur that it's not happening to me. MILs from hell, loads of money and vacations abroad, attentive or inattentive spouses, unruly children, divorce, new babies, fantastic jobs, no money and a pile of debts. It's happening all around me, and I do my best to sift through the lot and jadikan sebagai iktibar dan pengajaran. All these experiences have taken me back to my beginnings, back to God. I'm working harder to be a good Muslim so that God will light my way and protect me in all this darkness.

In the light of the latest challenge God has thrown my way, I've decided that I'm going to stand up and fight. I refuse to lie down and cry my eyes out. I believe that there is a purpose and hikmah to this, whether it's meant to be a catalyst for a major change in myself or just to make me open my eyes and see what's going on, wallahu'alam. I am a strong Muslim woman. I am a wife. I am a mother. Just see how strong I can be, you'll probably be surprised.

After much inner-searching and contemplation, I've decided the only purpose and meaning of my life is my family. My husband and children. My parents and PILs. My siblings. Being a banker is only secondary. Money is easy come, easy go. But a family and true love, these things are a gift. Ya Allah, make me stronger. A good Muslim, good wife, a good daughter, a good mother, that's all I ask. Bless my family, and make us healthy and happy always. Amin.

Am I making sense? Probably not. I am feeling a little crazy today.

Implosion

I'm having some low days. You the ones I mean. The days when it seems like everything conspires against you, everyone is happier than you in their perfect lives and no one in the world is your friend. Doesn't help that the husband has been super busy at work lately and my BFF is away for 2 weeks.

Don't mind me. I'll be just fine in a few days.

My Dangerous Hobby

No lah... I haven't taken up anything potentially life-threatening like base jumping or shark-baiting. If you read my previous post on 15/3, you'd know that I was starting a... ahem... program to lose some of this extra baggage I've been lugging around. I'm happy to report that in the past month, as a result of my drastically changing my eating habits and snacking on tasteless yet healthy snacks, I've lost around 2kg. Not a big difference, granted, but still a step in the right direction, yes? My pants do seem a bit loose and my wobbly bits aren't quite as wobbly as before, so when I started this new hobby, you can see that I have just cause to panic. You see, I've recently taken up baking.

I've always liked baking, better than normal cooking, actually. I just love that lovely delicious aroma of freshly baked cakes and cookies that fill the whole house. Now, I'm not saying I'm a particularly good baker. Not all my cakes and cookies turn out perfectly. I have secretly thrown out entire batches of cookies that were left too long in the oven. My brownies have been known to be bizarre looking. I've never had any formal training apart from a two-day cupcake decorating course at a local bakery supply shop. I'm more of a trial-and-error type of baker. And happily, my adiks who are my guinea pigs more often than not, scarf down my baking results without any untoward incident. And my butterscotch cake does get rave reviews during Hari Raya. Okay, so the ones who raved were both my grandmothers, but at least I do have a good cake to be remembered by. "Kek ni... cucu cek yang buat sendiri!" *applause*

Okay, so, what sparked off my rekindled romance with baking was my purchase of an electric oven recently. It's just a tiny little thing, a 32l with a rotisserie function, but it has served me splendidly. Already I've churned out a batch of brownies (had to start with brownies, my fav dessert), muffins, bread pudds and cookies. I've posted pics of my baked creations below, but unless you specifically request for them, I won't be posting the recipes. That's like taking credit for something that is free on the Internet, which is where most of the recipes come from, anyway.

And please pardon them if they look a bit dodgy and blurry. First of all most of the pics were taken using my phone camera, and secondly... well, I am a fledgling baker after all.

* the chewy brownies that popped the cherry on my oven *


* chocolate cheese muffins *


* smarties & chocolate chip cookies *


* mini bread puddings (assisted by Eez) *

After scarfing down cookies over the weekend, I gained 400g (stats courtesy of my digital scale). Back to rabbit food and fat-free bleurghs tomorrow. Cheers!

Foot In My Mouth

There's this kakak in my office who's one of the most cheerful, motherly types around. Let's call her Kak X. She's old enough to be my mother, a few years away from retirement. She has 3 sons, the oldest just got married last year while the youngest is in upper secondary. But apparently, her cheerful smile hides her pain.

Earlier today we were bual-bual kosong, and it came to light that we had both woken up late today. I woke up at 6.20am (usually I wake up half an hour earlier) because I'd wrongly set my alarm clock and hubs was going to work late today. Kak X woke up late because she'd waited up for her son (cuti sekolah, keluar lepak) last night until she fell asleep at 4am with the lights on. I asked, "Husband akak takde ke?". She went quiet and said casually, "Oh, dia takde."

When I came back from a loo break later, there was an email waiting for me in my inbox. It was from Kak X. In the email she told me that she had just gotten divorced just 2 weeks ago. She had taken a one day leave for the court process and came back as usual the next day, no muss, no fuss. The only people who knew was another kakak in my department who was also a divorcee, 2 others from my unit and some of her close friends in another department. She said that she'd known her ex since form 3 and had been married for 26 years. They'd been having problems for a while but they waited until the kids were older when Kak X would be able to be independent. Even before the divorce, she said she was lucky as her husband allowed her to travel alone with her friends. She said that was why she was able to puasa sunat a lot recently since she didn't have to ask her husband's permission now. She told me not to worry, she was at peace.

I replied her email and apologised profusely. I said she seemed her normal happy self and I didn't suspect a thing. She replied back that she was happy because she didn't have to worry anymore. When someone asked her why didn't she cry, she said she'd finished her crying long ago. Now it was time to be happy, banyak beribadat and be close to her kids.

So now I feel really bad. Especially since all I've been able to talk about lately was about my sister's wedding and merajuk 'cos my husband can't go to the bertandang etc etc etc. I can't imagine what she must be feeling. I don't know the reason for it, nor will I ask. If Kak X wants to tell me, she will.

To know someone for that long, an entire life time, and for it to end in tears. Nobody wants such a thing to happen to them. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I pray that my husband and I will be together always.

To Kak X, my prayers and wishes are with you. You're one of the strongest women I know.

It's Not Me, It's My Metabolisme

The time has come. The day I've dreaded my entire adult life has arrived. I can't deny it anymore, nor can I hide it as well I used to be able to. I might as well announce it to the world. I am going on a diet. I need to lose weight. Seriously, and not in a "oh my God I'm so fat I gained a pound" way either. More like "oh my God I'm so fat look at my spare tyres I need a girdle not even my fat pants fit anymore" kinda way.

Honestly! You wouldn't think it when you look at me most of the time. I often go to work in baju kurung, which successfully hide my less attractive extra bits and give me a deceptively slim silhouette. When I attempt to wear a shirt and pair of pants however... well, I have been asked more than once in the past few months whether I was pregnant again. I just laugh and brush it off, pat my tummy ruefully and claim, "Biasa la... dah anak dua!". Even my hubs hints about my extra weight but totally in an unoffensive, safe way in case I freak out.

Okay, what really got me off on this losing weight thing was when I decided to shop for some new work duds the other day. I could still fit into size L shirts (after 2 pregnancies and breastfeeding, my torso and boobs were never the same again). Pants were another matter. I couldn't even fit into the XLs at P*dini! My hips were too wide or my thighs too big.. The salesgirl said it's probably because of the small cut of the pants. Yeah, right. I wasn't able to find a decent pair of pants in the whole of TC that day. A few days later I went to OU where I found comfortable Ls (with room to spare) in JJ. Weird, huh? Still, the experience really shook me. Was I to be forever doomed to wear department store house brand pants forever? No more cute little boutique or high street pants? Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The very next day I started researching on the Internet and roped in another mommy colleague of mine to join in my diet quest. I won't tell you what kind of diet I'm going on, in case it doesn't work out (malu) and I give them free advertising anyway. I'm not crash dieting, I'm trying to take a safer, more nutritional approach to my food intake with hopefully some exercise when I can get it. If I had thousands of RMs to spare I'd gladly sign up for a course of treatments at a slimming centre a la N*rjuma (who claimed earlier that she gave up rice and ate only boiled veggies.. my arse!!). But, since I am but a humble working mother and the economy's going down the toilet, I'll have to make do with doing it the old-fashioned way.

Today I had my first breakfast smoothie made with soy milk and other bits and bobs. Mmmmm sedap but still not very satisfying. And I was hungry a half hour later. Looks like I'm going to have to go out and get me some healthy low-fat snacks.

How will I survive? Watch this space....

Sssshhhhhh...

Little pitchers have big ears. How true... how true...

I have a really bad habit of being an impatient driver. Now I'm not saying that I'm a queue jumper or road bully or anything really bad, instead I'm the kind of driver that seethes at the rudeness, inconsiderate ways and plain bad driving of others. To vent my anger and distress, I swear like a fish wife. Not a good thing, but certainly a lot more legal and safer than honking at whim and speeding.

Everyday I send the kids back and forth to my parent's place in KJ when I go to work. On average, I'd say I spend a total of an hour and a half each day with my sons in the car. And you know how bad Klang Valley traffic is. I try to distract myself by putting on some good music and singing along, but more often than not I slip and curse.

Like one day, when a car on the opposite lane made a U-turn and swerved really fast into the left lane, almost hitting us, I shouted, "Oi, f*ck!" while pressing the horn angrily. I know how I should have said a short prayer to calm myself down, but in the heat of the moment, you know... Anyway, Eez perked up and said, "Oi, puck!". From his carseat in the back, Ray echoed, "Buck!" Cripes! If they repeat that in front of my parents or husband, I'm done for. To distract them, I immediately launched into a lively rendition of Eensy Weensy Spider. Phew.

On another day I said, "Crap!!!". Eez said confusedly, "Crab? Where crab?", looking out the car window with interest. Seeing no giant crab scuttling alongside the car, he settled back in his seat and commenced playing with his Power Ranger.

Eez's vocabulary is increasing at a really fast rate day by day, and the words he uses when he's fustrated are right out of PHDC and CN. He says, "Oh man!", "Oh pickles!" and "Darn it!". Once, he put it upon himself to correct his old mom. Something had just pissed me off and I swore, "Oh sh*t!!!". Eez shook his head and said, "No, Mom. Not oh sh*t!", wagging a finger at me. "It's oh, shoot! Shoot, Mom, not sh*t!"

Oh thank God, there's hope for them yet!

I. Am. So. Freakin'. Tired.

God... what a week it's been. Is it just me or has the traffic jams in the KV gotten way out of hand? We've taken to leaving the house earlier and earlier every day (does that make sense?). Even Eez gets confused sometimes when we get in the car: "Mom? It's morning?" since the sky is still black (his definition of night). Kesian jugak to them, have to leave their warm beds so early but we have no choice if we want to make it to work on time and get parking spaces within a reasonable distance from our offices.

Coming home pun is another round of jams. Worse if it rains. A few days ago I drove 1-and-a-quarter hours to a clinic in SJ from my office straight after work in the pouring rain to give a urine sample for a medical check-up required by my house insurance provider, which everyone knows, takes you like ten seconds to pee in a cup. Then another hour or so back to KJ to pick up the kids... luckily it had stopped raining by the time we were heading back (again) to our house. So the trip took just 20 minutes including queuing time at the traffic lights. So in total it took me 1.25 + 1 + .... *&$#$(@*#... well, a journey way too long just to pee. Sheesh.

Ray hasn't been feeling well of late. He's been having a persistent cough an entire bottle of cough medicine wasn't able to banish. He wakes up in the night coughing and crying so I have to tepuk2 him back to sleep. It's easier for him to sleep in our bed terus so I don't have to get up too much. So we took a trip to our GP (it was late, paeds closed, GP will have to do) who prescribed Ventolin expectorant 'cos he suspected it might be early signs of asthma. Oh my poor baby! Thankfully he's been responding well to the new meds and doesn't wake up at night anymore.

Then Eez started having night terrors pulak... I suspect it's as a result of too much Ben 1o or Power Rangers or whatever 'cos the other day he told me he's scared of monsters. I told him the monsters were more scared of him and his trusty Friend, and that Friend would protect him. Otherwise his Papa or Mom would "puk" the monsters for bothering him. Haha... He's woken up twice in the middle of the night, not crying, more like snuffling and walking across the hall to our room. So we made room for him in our bed as well. That's four of us in one bed... luckily the little one didn't say roll over or else Papa would fall out!

So of course poor old Mom, with two toddlers on either side of her who refuse to get under the blankets and prefer to snuggle up under her armpits instead and is forced to lie straight and unmoving in case she accidentally smothers one of them, hasn't had a decent nights sleep in... four years!!! And she still has to wake up at the crack of dawn the next day to drag herself to work. But that's just what being a Mom is all about. 8 hours sleep... but that's for babies! Jam-free roads.. only during school holidays!

Thank God for the super-long weekend coming up this CNY. I'm reserving one day exclusively for me. I'm packing the kids off to my mother's house (my kakak will be here.. yay!!) , install hubs in front of the TV with food and remote control, and I'm going to go lie down in my nice cool empty bed alone and SLEEP!!!

Baby Time

I hosted a baby shower for my oldest and dearest friend, Ms M earlier today. It was held here, and was attended by a nice, eclectic mix of 11 of Ms M's friends from various stages in her life. There friends from primary school right up to uni, newer mommy friends and two of her SILs. I didn't get to throw one for her first baby since I was busy preparing for my wedding then, so I decided to throw one now and also to sort of get to celebrate her upcoming birthday at the same time.

Since I am working full-time, I needed help so I roped in some friends to help me with the preparations. I provided the party favors, Farah provided the cake and Mrika got a keepsake book for each guest to write a page in. As an added touch, I ordered balloons from here, the cheapest I've found so far. Hubs offered to collect the balloons this morning immediately after the store opened so I wouldn't have to rush to Hartamas and back to the party venue (thanks, luv u!).

For my gift, I decided to make Ms M a diaper cake. I took the day off yesterday especially to make the diaper cake and party favors (made hubs send the kids to my mom's so I could fully concentrate :-P). For the diaper cake, I used P*reen Dry 5's in a size S since I was worried the newborn size might be too small and Ms M might not be able to finish them in time before the baby out-grew them. Have u seen these diapers? They're multi-coloured and puffy yet super-absorbent and are great for newborn babies who wet/soil themselves every 10 minutes. Most hospitals use this brand, too. I rolled up the diapers with rubber bands and constructed a 2-layer cake with an empty kitchen roll as the support. Some people like to use a baby bottle or a bottle of baby shampoo or lotion as the support, but I figured they'd be too heavy and hard to tape in place on the cardboard cake base. To cover up the colourful diapers, I used a yellow bath towel for the first layer and a blue blanket for the 2nd layer. Konon-konon the blue blanket was water, which I topped off with cute little bath toys. For a finishing touch, I "garnished" the whole cake with ribbons. Here's the finished result:




For the party favors, I ordered these cookies from here. Aren't they the cutest?




I put the cookies in a mug filled with shredded colour paper and added a little scented candle inside. On average, I'd say each favor cost about RM8 each. Value for money, yes? It just goes to show that you don't have to spend a fortune to get quality stuff. A good thing in today's shaky economic environment! Farah's little placards were the perfect finishing touch to the favors, making it personal and extra special:


I totally forgot to bring my camera to the party (doh!!), so I didn't get to take a picture of Farah's lovely cake ordered from Aunty Abrina. We all had great fun and practically stuffed ourselves silly. I did, anyway. Balik terus rasa nak tidur but I managed to stop myself.. haha.

Thanks for coming to "memeriahkan" the party, girls. Who's next?